How do you make a relationship work? I think that i may be fundamentally unable to have a relationship that will last. Am I so flawed that I cant do it. He says that he loves me, but why? I am a jealous person I fight with him about the silliest things, I am oversensitive most of the time and my emotions could be the worlds best roller coaster. Every time he talks to me I get angry.
Why am I so sensitive to silly things, why are my feelings hurt every time i turn around. why is it that my mind feels like it is being squeezed shut and i am swirling in a drowning despair.... It feels like i am drowning in saddness but i cant figure out why. I cant sleep anymore and when i do I have the worst nightmares of my chest being pushed in and my heart racing and not being able to breath. I get no pleasure out of eating or reading or working or anything any more i just want to sleep and cry and be left alone.
Some days there is happy and it is the most amazing happy, like there is no way to be happier in this world but again there is no reason for the happy it is just there. I know that i have been busy lately with work and my refresher and the class that i am taking and ryan and school, the list just goes on and on, I really hate the holidays. There is never enough money and the happy that we are supposed to be seems fake and stupid. I do love him. more than i have ever wanted to love anyone in the world, I do want this to work out but i dont know how to make that happen. I think sometimes i push too hard. I am not sure what to do

I want to know 20 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't care. You are obviously on my list, so let me know with whom I'm friends! Just copy and paste these questions into the comment window and then simply type your responses after each question.

Thanks!

1. Your Full Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favorite Movie:

5. Favorite Song:

6. Favorite Band/Musician/Artist:

7. Do you have children (names and ages):

8. Where do you live:


HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?

2. What's your philosophy on life?

3. What do you like to do in your spare time?

4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

5. What is your favorite memory of us?

6. Would you give me a kidney?

7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

9. Can we get together and make a cake?

10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?

11. Do you say nice things about me?

12. Do you think I'm a good person?

13. Would you drive across country with me?

14. Do you think I'm attractive?

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

16. What do you wear to sleep?

17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

18. What is your favorite recipe?

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

There is a contest of sorts starting with the hood company.. alright so it is a ploy to get people to buy their milk.. but it involves gathering the caps of the light block milk jugs and turning them back into the company for money. The contest is for Schools in the New England states and allows for schools to earn up to $10,000.00 which would greatly help out with funding for sports or field trips or other such fun things for the kids. My sons school is going to join this contest so if you live nearby and buy hood in the lightblock bottle let me know. Thank You

EJ

<tr>
<td align="middle">English Genius
You scored 92% Beginner, 92% Intermediate, 80% Advanced, and 80% Expert! </td></tr>
<tr>
<td>You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

</td></tr>
<tr>
<td align="middle"></td></tr></tbody></table>

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 29% on Beginner You scored higher than 17% on Intermediate You scored higher than 6% on Advanced You scored higher than 56% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I have always heard from people that when you find someone special that it isnt like any other feeling out there. I have dated men in several different degrees of seriousness over the years and thought that i felt a lot of things for some of them, but nothing compares to the feelings that i have been experiencing since the beginning of the summer and meeting LB... These feelings have intensified in the last few weeks as we have begun a more formal relationship situation and really started to see where this will go. He is intelligent and funny, professional and one of the greatest fathers i have ever met. We have so many good things in common yet still have enough differences to make it interesting and new and fun getting to know eachother. I can tell that he is becoming one of my best friends, more than that. I look at him and feel warm and happy and safe. Even just the sound of his voice is a comfort. His daughter is a beautiful smart and fun 13 year old, she is a talented artist and totally loving to my son already. I cant explain the feeling calm safe knowing that has come over me over the last month, and hope that it never goes away. Strangely enough he was just trying to explain some feelings that he is having and they were eerily similar. I never thought falling this way would feel so right. I have always believed that in falling for someone you were setting yourself up for hurt, but i dont feel scared this time. I feel like it is just right. I am so happy right now.

On another note, finishing up working in ptown for the summer has been an experience. It took a while but i finally really started feeling like i belonged there and all of the people accepted me as one of the crew. that was a joyous day. I love it there and look forward to the challenge of next summer. I learned so much about the kind of paramedic I am. I learned lessons on how to deal with patients and how to be in charge. I was anxious at the beginning, then i was slightly disappointed in the middle of the summer but now i am glad that i challenged myself to go and be uncomfortable for the sake of learning and growing. In the same vain I am feeling some growing pains at the company that i have worked at for the last 3 years. I feel that i am coming to the end of my time there and understand that i have pretty muched learned all i can from that location and in order to continue to grow and experience true professional advancement that i will need to look elsewhere. I am doing some research but am pretty sure where i will be going next. more to come on that in the future.

My son is having some issues in school and as we suspected was officially diagnosed with a language based learning disability. the grief i feel for him and how much harder he is going to have to work to get by is overwhelming at times.. I know that we can work through it but It breaks my heart to know that when he looks at a book or magazine all he sees is a jumble of lines and letters that dont make sense. It is so cruel that something that i have always found to be such a wonderful gift has to be so hard for him. we have been down this road before and it is by no means the worst thing to happen but that doesnt diminish the saddness that i feel..

overall I am happy and we are healthy and i am slowly falling in love. something i never believed would happen. I hope that this continues but i already believe in my heart that it is right and good.

School started last week. Ryan is doing kindergarten again.. It was a tough choice to make, I think it will be better all around.. he is so happy right now and really enjoying the start of school instead of stressing about it. September is a welcome time of year. I forgot what it was like to truly be caught up in the craziness of summertime on cape cod but it has all come rushing back over the last two months and i can say with complete happiness that Fall is a wonderful time of year.
I did learn a lot over this summer about emergency work and the different types of providers. I mostly learned how to gracefully accept other peoples choices and opinions, also to assert my own feelings and opinions about patient care. with the conviction to believe that it is the right thing for that patient.
In June a situation that i had been in for a few months came to an abrupt and unhappy ending causing some serious self reflection. with a broken heart and and angry soul i found it difficult to deal with several personal relationships that i had let grow to an disheveled state.
Porkchop was never a good idea. he made me feel wonderful and happy and said beautiful things to me and for that i am eternally grateful. he let me get out from behind my cloud of self doubt and believe again that i was a good person, I guess that is the lesson that he was there to provide for me.
My friendship with John that had been such an amazing support all of last summer and through the winter also came to an almost end over this summer. when you finally see the ugly things that live on the inside of someone, that had been hidden so well for so long, that is sad, what can i really say. He broke my heart in a way this summer that made me wonder if i was really able to trust anyone. I wasnt ever in love with him. no attraction or desire to have a romantic relationship, yet he was the first person that i was able to have a real genuine friendship with as a person of the opposite sex without wishing for more. he was the first person that i had and adult friendship with, now that he has taken a different path i feel like i lost a part of the trust and eternal optimism that i have always held so dearly.
This has been a summer of self discovery. I am still trying to find out what kind of paramedic i am going to be. I am struggling to deal with a male dominated field and to learn how to take the comments and harrassment of my coworkers. some of it is easy but most of it is hard.. I have never been one to understand when someone is joking with me and that makes it hard to take the talk . I am getting better at it. I am learning how to be more flexible and how to not take everything someone says as a personal attack., on my skills. I am also learning how to make a mistake and deal with it.
The last thing that i have discovered this summer is the fact that i have developed a pretty major crush on someone that i never expected to, and realizing that i have no idea what to do about it. He is fun and smart and we have a great time together, just hanging out. I am fairly certain he has no idea that my feelings go any deeper than a friendly working relationship. What should I do? should i go ahead and let myself step to the edge and hope that my heart doesnt fall out again? or should i ignore it and hope it goes away? I know the answers already it makes me feel better to write them out.

well this summer is totally flying by. Full of work and beach fun as usual. Actually my tan is the best it has been in a long time, that means that i am actually embracing this fun idea. Ryan and I are having a blast, we hit the beach and went to the fair.. everything is great. This past monday he had his Tonsils out. OUCH!!! he is doing great, I am so proud of him for being so brave. there is more but i just do really feel like trying to muddle through my feelings right now. maybe later

"Stronger"

I'm a little bit stronger,
I'm a little bit wiser,
It's a little bit clearer in my mind.
I can shout a bit louder,
I can feel a bit prouder,
But nothing makes sense to me this time.

I'm a little bit older,
I'm a little bit surer,
I can fight a bit harder against the tide.
I can make it sound better,
Much better than sadder,
But nothing makes sense to me this time.

I thought it was good, I thought it was fine,
I thought it was just a matter of time,
The sun would shine.
I held my breath, I covered my eyes,
Thought I was just clearing the skies,
The sun would shine.
I'm a little bit braver,
I'm a little bit wilder,
I can stand a bit closer to the light.
I can stand a bit taller,
Like I wouldn't fall over,
But nothing makes sense to me this time.

I thought it was good, I thought it was fine,
I thought it was just a matter of time,
the sun would shine.
I held my breath, I covered my eyes,
Thought I was just clearing the skies,
The sun would shine.
If my collar fades to white
Should I hold my head up high.
I thought it was good, I thought it was fine,
I thought it was just a matter of time,
the sun would shine.
I held my breath, I covered my eyes,
Thought I was just clearing the skies,
The sun would shine.
I thought it was good, I thought it was fine,
I thought it was just a matter of time,
the sun would shine.
I held my breath, I covered my eyes,
Thought I was just clearing the skies,
The sun would shine.

Being home in Provincetown over the weekend was surreal .What I hadnt anticipated was how just being home was going to make me feel. Provincetown is one of those places that the more things change the more they are exactly the same as they were the last time you were there. It truly is the epitome of small town America. I know that people who know ptown and are reading this are screaming "are you crazy!!" but alas it is really true. All of the people there are the same, maybe a little older but still the same. Driving into town that first glimpse when you drive over the hill in Truro and finally see the town for the first time, takes my breath away, still after all these years .The Monument the whole length of town just hanging out there in the bay what a beautiful sight that is. It is like a warm embrace reaching out to wraps itself around you . I could wrap the whole place around me and block out the real world. That is how provincetown makes me feel. It is my home and it is another world. A world that represents a time in life when things were uncomplicated and special . Magical even . Maybe I have childhood eyes when I am there. Finally realizing a childhood dream is amazing and a little bit sad at the same time. I was apprehensive about it from the beginning because I was afraid that it would turn out to be one big let down. These people are the people that made me want to do this with my life, they are the ones that inspired me to be who I am today, what if it turns out to be one big disappointment, what if by letting in my real world i would ruin my view of home.
It wasnt a let down, I am all right . It was exactly how I imagined it. It still feels like home, and now I can see that my magical security blanket and my real life can coincide.

Here are a few pictures my friend took of us in Philly.. I am the one in the orange most of the time, if you were unsure.

( Philly Pics )

Had a pretty cool weekend. Saturday morning had an ominus start considering that our dispatcher stuck us with a 630 change in mental status call that made us get out an hour and a half late... ahh the life of a paramedic.. this of course only happens on days that either my partner or myself or both of us really want to get out on time. The call ended up being rather mundane, 87 y.o. with a probable pneumonia. Got back to the garage, managed to have a big fight with my relief and then drove home.
Ryan had school on saturday, thanks to the crazy snowy winter we had to make up some days and the school decided that it would be a good idea to have field day on saturday and make it a required day of school. The field day ended up being wicked fun, the kids all had a good time and it ran rather smoothly.
Next we went and banged out some errands, got a gift and started off to a house warming BBQ or as my son says "grill-out". My partner and his family just got a new house and a new puppy, so they had a little party to break the place in. After some stress over directions we made it there and had a great time. Poor Ryan was delerious by the end of the night.. we got home around oh midnight. Mass was a little trying this morning...
My friend John called and invited us to Star Wars this afternoon. Ryan had never been to a movie in the theater before but he was so excited to see this we just had to go. what an awesome movie it was too. Ryan was great and behaved really well.. the movie was a bit long for him but he did great. and loved it to boot. i see a star wars marathon at my house soon. I do have to say that I hated Star Wars when i was a kid.. mostly because my brother made me watch it maybe ten million times. I felt a little strange watching the end of the story this afternoon without him though. I really miss him. california is just too far away for my taste. We did the playground next then just hung out here at home for a while. Ryan is in bed now and my truck is all packed for work tommorrow. I feel a deep reflective post coming up but it isnt ready yet. hope everyones weekend was as nice and relaxed as mine was...

I havent eaten shepards pie in 14 years.. seems unusual to know that about myself I know but there is definelty a reason for this. back when i was 12 my grandfather was dying of kidney cancer. On march 12th after school got out we went to my grandparents house where he was. Lying there in the big mechanical hospital bed in the living room he was barely concious, my whole family was there, my mother had us kiss him and hug him and say goodbye, I will always remeber that moment, although I am sure i didnt really understand it at the time. I hugged him and kissed him and was treated to him opening his eyes for me, the first time in a long time, he recognized me and smiled, then we left. we were sent to my uncles inlaws in the next town. we watched tv and did homework and just played. we sat down to dinner that night with the inlaws. She had made shepards pie. I dont ever really remember what it tasted like or if i liked it or not. rather tasteless concotion really, halfway into dinner the phone rang and the news arrived that my grandfather has passed on. I dont really know why i felt the need to reject every aspect of that dinner but i did. never to eat shepards pie or go to that house again. irrelevant as that story may seem 14 years later.... I was in Trader Joes the other day, just browsing the prepared food section, ya know looking for stuff to take to work with me that would be easy. I stumbled upon a few options, one being a rather interesting looking shepards pie, hell just heat and eat. In my business that is all that is really required to make the meal good. anyways i grabbed the stuff, and of course forgot to throw it into my bag as i fumbled towards work on monday morning.
Jump back in time a bit to this past saturday. I was sitting at my computer feeling bad for myself in that self absorbed sort of way i have been lately. when up pops my father online. I cant really explain everything that is wrong with the relationship i have with my father in this journal but suffice to say we dont talk much. He works at foxwoods and I really really want tickets to a concert that is coming and is also sold out. I figured i could see what he knew about it. we chit chatted and compared lives for a while . no dice with the tickets by the way. damn. Towards the end of the converstation he happened to mention that his mother wasnt doing so hot in the nursing home that she has been at for several years.
I havent seen my grandmother-his mother- since i was in fourth grade. she used to come ever summer and spend time with us. taking us to the beach and the park and out to eat and have fun. she loved us and would always bring big bags of presents. she was the kind of grandparent that other kids had. my mothers parents as wonderful and perfect as they were, were the kind that took care of us every day, you know second parents to us. she was the mystery the big present bringing once a year kind of grandparent. she was cool . when i was in fourth grade we changed our last name, we wanted to be like our mother, and our grandparents. the family that loved us and were there every day. I cant imagine keeping a last name that matched a man that didnt have anything to do with me. the summer vacation present bringing grandma couldnt deal with that. she stopped coming, stopped calling. never saw or talked to us again. she broke my heart into a million pieces. i was 9 years old and she stomped on my heart.
Being told that she was dying wasnt really a big surprise. I knew her health had been failing for several years. she had been in a nursing home for a long while, dementia and stroke and other such elderly diseases. I deal with this stuff every day. But to be told that it was jsut a matter of days or hours even was a strange feeling. it would have been insanely dishonest to jump in my truck and race down there movie style to profess my undying love and forgiveness for the indiscretion. Not that she would have known me anyways. The other incredible wrongness was that i wasnt even really sure how i felt about the whole situation. rather emotionless actually.
I got home from work this morning and was tired.. we were up quite a bit last night. hungry and cranky with lots to do for the birthday and not a lot of energy to do it with. had a fantastic phone conversation for much longer than i should have.. hung up and went in search of food and a shower. there was the shepards pie. heat and eat baby. threw it into the oven hopped in the shower and the phone rang.
"hello"
"hi elisabeth..?"
"yes"
"hi its Mo... well my mother passed away around 10:00 this morning."
"oh i am sorry."
"its ok, dont be we knew it was going to happen."
"yeah"
"yeah"

the conversation picked up from there. he told me about what happened and the things the hospice nurses had said. I explained some medical stuff to him. we talked about some other things and then he hung up. that is when the buzzer on the oven went off. that is when i realized the horrible coincidence of the stupid meal i was about to eat. why did i avoid this seemingly harmless meal for so long? and why did i decide it was ok this week of all weeks? one may never know. I know that the food doesnt really mean anything . I havent really delved into my feelings about the whole situation yet. there is so much more to write about her. but for now i just wanted to record the irony in this day. heres to another 14 years.....

Today is the day.. six years ago today my life changed forever. I have to say that it actually really changed for ever before that, I mean just the knowledge of the event is enough to alter ones life, not in the way that the actual event does though. Six years ago this day at 03:33 I gave birth... "It's a Boy!"...excuse me It's a what?? Yes I had been told I was having a girl.. that realization was a life altering event in itself... but i digress. Childbirth changes your life in so many ways. The actual event is strange, I do recall the event but more from a spectators point of view. At that moment you are,-at least I was- on autopilot. I remember very clearly my body just taking over . no choices to make no turning back, it was like my body said "This is going to happen with or with out you" I am not ashamed to admit that my pregnancy was neither planned nor wanted at the time and I am also not ashamed to admit that i probably no definetly missed out on the finer points of the experience because of my mental state at the time.. I do admit also that pregnacy was a choice that i made, as i do believe in having that choice i want it to be clear that i did choose to have my son and what a good choice that was. I cant really explain the feeling and absolute life changing moment when the most beautiful perfect thing is handed to you, and you realize that not only was that amazing object, a living breathing human but that you made this perfect thing. The best way I could even think to describe this feeling is that I felt as though my heart had some how fallen out of my body and now was being held in my arms. It amazes me every day how much having him has changed my life, and in so many ways, good ways. He has taught me what love really is. Real honest unconditional love.. which is something i really needed in my life. He is growing up to be such an amazing kid, sometimes I wonder how that is possible with me as his mother. Ryan Domingo Joseph 05-24-1999 is my perfect angel, I cant even imagine what my life would be like if he had never come into it.. Happy birthday to him!

It started as a simple way to heal a broken heart. nothing more nothing less. He didnt want me anymore, wasnt in love with me. I could deal with that. I was a fun time though and we could still be friends... maybe more, if i was willing... why not be willing right? Fun without feelings, it was so much easier that way. I dont understand anymore how i let it get this far, I am beginning to think that i am totally incapable of having feelings for men in any other way but lust. will anyone ever really love me? what is it that makes people want that kind of love anyways, as far as i can tell there isnt any truth in monogamy. only pain and jealousy. My thoughts right now are a rambling mess. there are so many feelings flying around I dont know what to make of them.
The next time was different it wasnt a break up it was a new friend, a game, a married man, it wasnt that hard to make him want to play with me. and why not make him want that.. was i trying to believe that someone wanted me? It made me feel good to know that he wanted me. that i made him feel good.. there are more, is it wrong now to just want someone to love me. can i really change enough for that? is it possible. why do i allow it to go on and on. Always the security blanket. the one that tells them that they are good or nice or special, the one they run to for a good time or reassurance or just a shoulder to cry on but never to be told. sorting through this now is making me an uberbitch at work and with my friends . somewhere there must be answers.

Well hello there, we got home last evening from our first JEMS conference, and I can say without a doubt that plans are being made for Baltimore as we speak.. The whole trip was awesome, we got there friday afternoon and get settled in the hotel, then it was off to get a little sightseeing done, Philly is a nice city, at least the parts that I saw we walked all over the historic district, took about 20 minutes to go through the security at the Liberty Bell. It was nice to see but for me it was kinda like going to Plymouth rock... Yup there it is ok nice now lets go. Stopped for the required Philly cheesesteak consumption, at a place called Jims on South and Fourth streets i believe that was where it was anyways, that was fun, line out the door. We got back to the hotel and went over to the conference center to check it out, just in time to meet up with the director/teacher from the paramedic program we attended , who was down there by himself. we walked around with him a bit then went to the Hard Rock for some drinks.. ended with dinner and more drinks.. The next morning it was down to business, we went over to the conference center registered and sat down for our 12-lead EKG class. The class was called Multilead Medics and was fantastic, it was from 8am till 5pm it was so great even bought the book to go along with the class, the whole trip was worth this one class as far as i am concerned.. After the class we went to the opening of the exhibition hall.. now we were in there for at least 2 and a half hours that first day and we didnt see everything, i think in the end we must have been in there for around 7 hours total and finally saw everything there was to see. All i have to say is I may be a huge EMS geek but it was like being a little kid in a candy store, all of the new equipment and fun things that are coming to an ambulance near you soon if we are lucky... Lots of free stuff too. Note to self bring a bigger suitcase next year.. that night we met up with some other people that my friend knew from MA and we ended up hanging out with them for most of the weekend, met some others from Richmond that were aquintances of the the AMR people as well, funny how everyone in the business seems to know everyone else..Sunday was the opening ceramony with Steve Berry as the keynote speaker and a really touching tribute to Jim Page, that was really really nice but then sundays classes were a bust, the one that i had chosen to go to was packed and kinda boring so one of the guys from MA and I decided to skip it and hit the pool/jacuzzi instead.. met up with some really cool guys from Long Island that were doing the same thing... can you say impromptu hot water rescue class.. hehe. Sunday night was the party, I am sorry to say that i missed it, went to dinner with the people from Mass and the Richmond guys and gals we had met, had fun.. almost had a Boston brawl with the waiter at the pub though... mondays classes were better, back to the exhibition hall. more fun dinner drinks and partying to be had by all, monday night we went to watch the finals of the JEMS games, they were awesome and all the teams did great, the whole scenario was frightening and sadly so close to a reality that we wish we didnt have to face.. tuesday morning was the awards ceramony and the closing keynote.. Big congrats to the Sussex County EMS team from Georgetown DE that won the gold medal!! A little tourist shopping a quick check out and a flight home and here i sit, planning my trip for next year and looking for more conferences to go to.. thinking about where my EMS career will take me from here. I am exhausted and happy and so glad i have a day to recover before i have to go back to work....

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in
a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

I took the written portion of my Paramedic exam today and I Passed!!!! I am offically a Mass state certified Paramedic!!! I am so excited. I cried. I cant wait to go to work on monday and start working as a paramedic. What a wonderful end to a years worth of work study and testing.

Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
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Pretty good test I think

Wednesday my friend Lisa called me, she had just left the school in Whitman from here last review session. I was unable to attend because I had to work that day , I was sad but I was convinced I was as ready as I could be, anyways she called me and asked me if it was a bad sign that the R.E.M song "Its the end of the world" was on as she got into the car. She seemed to think that was a bad sign.. I on the other hand thought it was probably a good sign. The state exam was Thursday morning and it surely would change our lives.
I went to bed really early on wednesday night, I wasnt very nervous yet but i know i would be in the morning. 0600 came and i got out of bed showered and dressed. got a call from Brian reminding me not to forget the paperwork i needed and then i headed off to Whitman for the exam. I still wasnt all that upset which is amazing for me. When i got there we all stood around talking and getting a few minutes review in before the test started. The examiners came in and started explaining everything to us then it was time. they passed out the assignments in alphabetical order so i had a few minutes before my first station.. Finally now i was really nervous. She called my name and sent me off to the KED station. I was shaking so hard. I got the KED and got it all set up for myself then the examiner gave me the scenario and i was off, I was happy i got this examiner first she was so nice and made me feel much better. At one point i was so focused on what i was doing i didnt notice i was holding my breath, she looks over and says to me "you can breath you know." I finished and it looked so good!! no void behind the head or anything my victim was perfect. I was so psyched! After that i was nervous but mixed with the knowledge that i really was doing this and that i really do know what i am doing and i was going to kick this tests ass! I got a little scared in the splinting station, the examiner was really serious and he gave me a radius fracture, I used the ladder splint and wrapped it all up then slung it and swathed it and it was all immobilized but i did it really fast and when i said i was done he just looked at it all serious and stuff then was like ok, no indication if that was good or not. The very best part of the day was at my last station. Cardiology, dynamic and static. I went in and the examiner asked me if i wanted dynamic first or static first. I said dynamic so we started i did the whole mega code through 4 rhythm changes and when i was done i sat down for the static part of the test- there was 2 examiners in this station because on of them was training - the main examiner turned to the other one and said "what do you think? that was the best one we have seen all day." and the other man agreed!! I was like "NO WAY... you say that to everyone dont you ??" and the swore that they wouldnt have said it if it wasnt true.. i couldnt believe it.. After the test we had to go back in the room and wait till the chief examiner said we could leave. now here is the thing.. here in Mass when you test there is a rule if you fail only one station you get a same day retest, if you pass outright or fail more than one station you are released the thing is that they wont tell you either way, they just come out and say "OK.. you can leave" so i got the ok and i knew i had either passed or failed all the way :( . The other people from my class were waiting to get their ok so i stayed on with them. One had to retest one of the stations the other 2 got the ok to leave. We decided to stay and talk to our instructor, since we were testing at his school we got to hang out, he isnt really supposed to do this but he went in and got a look at the papers and after a while when everyone started to leave he came back and told us how we did... and guess what
I PASSED!!!!

sadly 2 of the people i was with didnt get good news but they were happy for me and they will get to come back and test again, you get 3 chances here in Mass so that is cool. I still cant believe that i just went in there and did what i had to do, in my heart i knew that i was ok with the stuff but it is such a relief to have that portion of the test done. Now i have to wait 3 weeks for official results from the state and i can then look into taking the written test, they print the certificate right there at the testing station for the written so i could be a real paramedic by the end of october early november !! I am so excited .

Hi there all you LJers.. I am alive and well. Actually I am wonderful. I have a test date next week for my state paramedic test.. woohoo. I may just make it to being a paramedic within the target goal time that i set forth for myself. I am planning to write so much more about that later but right now i have another issue i would like to shamelessly promote.

My son started kindergarten a few weeks ago. Tonight i went to the volunteer meeting and was faced with the choice to volunteer to organize a grant writing committee. I know less than nothing about grant writing and at this very moment and surfing the world wide web for information on it, but If any of you out there in Livejournal land know anything that could be helpful in my pursuit i would be most grateful.. thanks again !!!

Hi,

Anyone interested in buying some Buffet tickets for Sunday night.. my friend cant go and wants to sell his 2 tickets.. 90$ each.. gates at Fenway open at 6pm.. leave a comment and let me know..


thanks

I got my code!!!!! Yesterday was my first day back to my internship at the fire station after taking almost a month off.. I have been so busy and i needed a break so i didnt go for the longest time.. I got there around 10am yesterday chatted with the firefighters. It was a slow morning. Right after lunch the guys were going to go out for training excersize so i was going to go along and watch but i knew it would be boring. right then a call came in for a syncopal episode in the other district. one of the guys asked if i wanted to go. I actually said nah i dont need too it isnt anything worth rushing over there for. well he really didnt want to train so he convinced me to go. Half way there the other truck got on scene and called it a code.. we got there about a minute later .. We shocked the guy from V-fib and he went into asystole... next we paced him then i intubated and we moved him to the truck started an IV and gave some meds. I got tons of points from it.. i am basically done with my points now.. I have to say that the very best part of the whole situation which i didnt even realize at the time was.. The man lived.. It was a save that is a once in lifetime occurance.. needless to say if your heart stops chances are no matter what we do it isnt going to come back on again.. but this guy his did!!! i not only got to do all of those skills as an ALS provider for the first time in the field but i actually got to see them work!!! I am so excited i cant even believe it.. I think i was in shock all afternoon yesterday. I have about 40 more hours that i have to do for my time but then i am done and i can apply for the test... I cant believe how close i am to becoming a real paramedic.

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!! I got a 94% as a final grade in my paramedic program and i got my paperwork to start my field internship.. I will be riding at Yarmouth Fire department and at Eascare woohoo !! i am sooo excited



h

I am so bad when it comes to updating this journal, honestly I am surprised it doesnt just get deleted. Most often I dont have anything of any importance to talk about. I lead a pretty boring existence. Now that school is over I am having some trouble adjusting to the fact that i actually have days off from work. I mean it isnt like i dont have anything to do, I just cant structure myself to do anything. I guess i thrive on direction. Only 5 more days till i can get my final class grade and find out where i will be doing my field internship.. I am so excited and i hope that they allow me to do it where i requested it. I dont really see any reason why they wouldnt but who knows. those people over there are all crazy anyhow. We have been in Braintree for about a month now and originally i was skeptical about the move but then i was excited and now i am just frustrated. Up until now i have only been working up there once a week. I have discovered once a week isnt enough to learn the area and i find myself frustrated beyond belief every time i am there because i am lost and it is so aggrivating to not know where you are going. I dont really know what to do. My partner says to give it a little longer and we will know where we are going but this is the same person who doesnt really care that we are lost most of the time.
I am really emotional today and i amnot sure why. maybe i am just tired or it is because i dont feel well, but i really feel like just curling up and crying for a while. i should really stop fooling around on the computer and get to some house work or some other useful project.

These words I borrowed from another journal:
I wish you could comprehend a wife's horror at 3 in the morning as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none.
I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late.
But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to save his life.
I wish you could read my mind as I respond to an EMS call, "What is wrong with the patient?
Is it minor or life threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?"
I wish you could be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the last 25 minutes.
Who will never go on her first date or say the words, "I love you mommy" again.
I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the engine, squad, or my personal vehicle, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic.
When you need us however, your first comment upon arrival will be, "It took you forever to get here!"
I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile.
What if this was my sister, my girlfriend or a friend?
What were her parents' reaction going to be when they open the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?
I wish you cold know how it feel to walk i nthe back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call.
I wish you could know how it feels dispatching an officer, fireman, or EMT out and when we call for them and our heart drops because no one answers back or to hear the bone chilling 911 call of a child or wife needing assistance.
I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally, and sometimes physically, abuse us or belittle what we do, or as they express their attitudes of "It will never happen to me."
I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain or missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my life has seen.
I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfation of helping save a life, or being able to be there in time of crisis, or creating order from total chaos.
I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, "Is Mommy okay?"
Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say.
Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having rescue breathing done on hims as they take him away in the ambulance.
You know all along he did not have his seatbelt on.
A sensation that I have become too familiar with.
Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appriciate who I am, we are, or what our job really means to uss....I wish you could, though.


This is part of the reason I have always wanted to be a paramedic, it is just a little bit of how i really feel about the profession. I finally finished school yesterday 9 months of classes and 450 hours of clinical with a field intership to start soon, so that i can do this kind of work. I love it and wouldnt trade it for the world.

I want anyone and everyone who reads this to post in here something they would LIKE to do with me SOMEDAY.

Then post this in your journal to find out what I want to do with you.

I know that i havent updated in so long that all of you people out there in livejournal land must think that i am dead... but i am still alive and mostly well really i am.. School is still the same insanity it has been since the beginning but it is almost over so that is a good thing. Clinical is going well i am learning more than i ever expected and experiencing things that i didnt think were ever going to happen to me. I cant even explain how much i have noticed that is different about myself and my personality.. there is so much going on i wouldnt even know where to start so i think i will try to update one life situation at a time...

First of all school!!! woohoo it is almost over the two month count down has begun.. i have to try and cram tons of clinical time in the next month and study my ass off but i have a 93.5 average in the class and i really feel secure in my knowledge.. well most of the time. last saturday i felt really dumb at one of our lab sessions but that is a story for another day. if i post this now it wont sit for another month while i run around crazy so here ya go...

Lets see what it hatches into...

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

Saw these and liked them.... so of course i stole them and put them here, enjoy




Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~Eleanor Roosevelt


It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes. ~Sally Field


Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. ~Author Unknown

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her. ~David Brinkley


It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown


We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive


It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. ~W.C. Fields

I am bored, home sick from work and wanted to try a new adventure so here ya go....


Leave a comment and post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love -- anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your journal to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your journal) have to say.

We took a test last night in class and i didnt do so well.I studied and everything but i just got the stupidest questions wrong. My teacher gives us a copy of the answers as we leave after the test so that we can check ourselves and see how we did and with my calculations i believe i have a 80% that is so bad.. now before i get all kinds of comments saying that it isnt really bad, i do know that a 80% is a B and that it is a pretty decent grade compaired to the girl that sits next to me (who got a 56%) i did rather well. I just am disappointed in myself, I want to do better than that. Oh well i will have to study better for next time.. There is this really cool website that goes along with our textbook that our teacher has been getting set up for us to use and it is really cool... We havent actually used it yet but i have seen it and i cant wait to get my username and password so that i can use it to study.. i love embracing the internet as a study tool... geez it is a really dreary day out right now and cold... The time "falls back" on saturday night entering us into the long dark winter.. Do ya notice i am not a big fan of the winter time... Seasonally depression if you will. I have to go to work at 17:00 dont really feel like going but i have to. I am just really blah today cant really think of anything exciting to say right now... I have a problem.. well not a problem more like an issue that has come up that i really want to write about i just havent got the discipline to sit here and figure out how to put it on the screen.....
During my shift yesterday i was driving down rt. 28 in bourne and passed the funeral home that they were having the wake for the little boy that passed away out in the woods up in new hampshire last week... I am having a really hard time dealing emotionally with that situation and i am not really sure why.. i dont know the family or anything it just is soo sad... i literally got teary eyed in the truck over it... I am so sad for his family.. my prayers are with them.
what to do what to do... bored and tired and apathetic about work... i really need to get moving and do something.. OOHHH.. My fourteen year old cousin messaged me the other night on Aol to tell me that he was selling fruit for his high school marching band and aske me if i would buy some.. Of Course i will i told him.. i remember selling that damn fruit when i was in school and it is a great cause so he was happy.. then i told him that i could ask around my work and see if there was anyone interested there and he was so excited.. i have sold three cases already.. i went to meet him at the school today so that i could get a flyer telling people what there was... he is psyched that i want to help him.. he really is my favorite cousin... and a really good kid. Anyone want to purchase a case of oranges to benifit the Barnstable High School Marching Band? My teacher said he would buy one but that he didnt actually want the fruit... lol... dont know what i am going to do with all that extra fruit but i am sure i will come up with something... my son is really going to hate oranges sometime around christmas when we finally get through them all..The Ameriquest mortgage guy...Adam... that is working on the refinancing of my mortgage just called to tell me that he is pretty sure we can sign the papers tommorrow that is wicked cool.. well time to get ready for work...

Evil is one of my favorite things...



How evil are you?